ratseyes

"See, that, that makes you appear needy. You have to be like, 'yo, I'm confident, awesome and attractive, be afraid of me.'"

But what if I'm not confident all of the time? Why is it that men can write songs of hurt, and women will swoon, but if a woman cries of pain, she is told to stop bitching. What if I am generally a confident person, but a chain of events has lead me to feel this way, even just temporarily? Will anyone want me when I'm vulnerable?

Would you?

Can I call you?

sweeplotus, please add so I can stop writing in this thing about this shit.

Why the fuck did I do that.

Key lines to remember:
"Love is important, but not so much with other people."

"Dude you just gotta like, let it go. You gotta fight the urge to call. Fuck people who treat you crappy, or 'don't have time.'"

I wish I believed the first and could do the second.

Anyhow, I'm getting all of this out now so it doesn't leak onto my new slate.

sweeplotus
sweeplotus
sweeplotus

sweeplotus

I'm relocating.

Jesus christ, I think it's time for a new blog.

I completed the Short Yang Form in Tai Chi a week ago. My sensei gave me flowers in celebration. It took 9 months or so. I have a foundation for a lifetime practice, I feel alive.

"Is life not love, and love not life?"

Going out and getting what you want and going out and getting who you want is not the same thing. A lesson I've learned too well. I'm not letting anyone get a good idea of the genuine aspect of myself, everyone is just seeing the part of me that is horribly lonely and is trying to change that. I'm just going to hang around, be myself, hopefully something will come about. I'd like it if I wasn't the only one keeping contact with everyone I try to pursue, afterall, isn't that what killed just about all of my relationships?

Class is resuming again, ciao.

I feel like my life is a sitcom that you watch and it pains you to watch the main character (me) make all the mistakes she makes. The right choice is obvious but she always evades it.

I woke up yesterday. I think I will be fine with this. "Just because I don't want to hang out doesn't mean you're not beautiful." What the hell does that even mean, anyway? He gave me a feeling of, "holyshitholyshitholyshit... okaaayy.... holyshitholyshitholyshit... okaaay..." I can't do that to myself. I don't need flattery, I'm self assured enough. I need companionship.
"I'm kicking myself that I shared spit with you!"

I can not wait for vacation. 2 weeks to myself to train (martial arts) on the beach, to study and become more well acquinted with my body, and other people's. To be with my family, and get my massage table so I can get cracking. To be with my friends who will be home. Who will be home? I hope a lot of you.

Today would've been Jeremy and I's 2 year anniversary. I've seen recent pictures of him. He looks exactly like he did just before we got together. Short hair, no beard, smoking cigarettes again, hanging out with the same people. It's kind of eerie. I just hope he is happy, sincerely. I have not wished anything bad upon anyone in a long time, and I'm glad I haven't started now.

I can't shake this feeling like I'm not good enough for anybody.

I know it's bullshit but I feel like no one else does.

"You make me feel like I should be a part of it, of you."
-"So be a part of it."

I just want to cry.

Let's talk about the issues I've been having with my bike in this past month and a half, shall we?

-Front wheel gets stolen, replacing it costs me $125
-Bike gets stripped of derailer, cables, housing, brakes and shifters infront of my school, replacing this costs me $340
-I fell off of my bike the other day, my wrist becomes totally swollen and I can not work at school for the past week (when I desperately need practice)
-I get a flat this same ride, but ride on it anyway to Vinnie's cause I really wanted vegan pizza.

Shit! It's like the world is telling me not to ride anymore. Well the world picked the wrong person to test, I'm a Taurus in every sense of the word and I'm stubborn as all hell. I'm seeing the autumn through on two wheels.

My anatomy teacher gave me Dit Da Jau to put on my wrist externally, which is a chinese mixture that has worked AMAZINGLY. Seriously, I was crying the first night and by the second night I was able to take off my splint (second night was the first day I started using it.) Freaking crazy. I still wear the splint just in case but I feel totally fine.

So I guess I've joined the rest of the world in not knowing what I want. At least I'm in company, I just don't know if that company is good. Or maybe I do know what I want and I just feel like I have to cater to said company who doesn't.

I bought The 5.6.7.8's Bomb the Twist, which is actually really good.

I want another tattoo so bad.

I just feel so fucking lonely. I feel I have very few friends and a huge void in my heart where my lover once was. I want it filled but I want it filled genuinely. I don't know what to do with myself, I need to love and be loved. My bed is cold on one side.


I hate going on this computer back home. Too many saved conversations, too many old photographs. I don't miss them, I just miss the feeling.


And I feel like I'm fucking everything up somehow.

Yikes, it's been a while, hm....

The day before Halloween I saw a play called "LEE/Gendary," which is a gender bending take on the life and death of Bruce Lee. I really enjoyed it, it was clearly very low budget and I felt they were very creative with what they had. The dubbing was hilarious, Soomi (the main actress) was pretty impressive. As I was in the cafe waiting for them to open the doors, I was studying for my first myology test, and one of the actors goes up to me and says, "Massage therapy?" I say, "yes." "Swedish?" "Yes." He put the flyer there that I picked up and drew me to the show, he seemed pretty excited that advertising does work, afterall, haha.

Then Halloween came, I was Chun Li from Street Fighter. I was the only asshole in New York to dress up all day, hahaha, but I knew this was going to happen so whatever. I wound up getting sick, went home, bathed all day, then went to the Critical Mass after party, which wasn't really that fun and I felt shitty so I went home at about midnight, but at least I got to show off my awesome costume that, honestly, I looked pretty cute in. Might do this every year cause I'm tired of brainstorming.





Yesterday I voted. I locked my bike up outside of my school, ran to Long Island really quick to go vote, came back and I saw my grip tape cut up in pieces on the floor. My brakes, shifters, cables, housing, and derailer were gone. At first I didn't really know what to think, I dragged my bike to the bike shop on 15th, told them my story, and then just started crying. They said it'd cost $500 to fix, because I have a 10-speed and shifters are expensive. So I told them fuck it, turn it into a 9-speed, I don't even use the larger rear gears anyhow, so that's what they're doing and now it'll cost me $340, which is a lot better, but still hard to swallow, especially since my wheel just got stolen, too. Fuck, man!

Whatever, I don't know. I feel lonely all over again. But I did well on my past 2 tests. Now I just gotta catch up to everything else.

And hey, Obama's president (in case you didn't hear,) so that's cool.

hahahahahaha

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/892691912.html


seriously? what's up with the world lately?

(yes, that's about me.)

So yesterday on the train some boy wrote me a letter on the back of sheet music that said:

"TO GIRL ON TRAIN

YOU'RE PRETTY.

FROM BOY ON TRAIN

(doodle of a trumpet)"

I knew he was writing me a note, so as I got up to get off the train I look at him and ask, "Are you gonna give me that?"
-"Give you what?"
"That note."
-"The one in my left pocket?"
"Yes."
-"I was about to, you're smart."

I have no intention of pursuing this, but it was a nice boost to my ego.

Anyway, house party demonstration went well, I didn't fuck it up, hung out with Hannah in Union Square for a bit; was hoping to find some clothes but found nothing as per usual. I'm one of those people who buys the same thing over and over.


Uughhh this morning I saw a dead cat in the road, eyeball completely ejected from eye socket. Gross, I almost had a heart attack.

I picked up Hannah at Penn last night, she stayed over last night and is going to for the following week. Ellisa, get yourself to NYC! We hung out for a little on the third floor kitchen listening to classics, drinking tea and eating pistachio nuts.

I got a 100 on my Palpation midterm and a 94 on my Anatomy & Physiology midterm. My tests average in A&P was a 96, making my final grade a 95, so, an A. I'm stoked. We started Myology (the study of muscles) today, and I'm really stoked. None of you care about this. Oh well, point is I'm doing awesome in school and I'm really getting into it.

Some other good things coming up: Mitchell coming to NY before leaving for Oregon, BODIES exhibit soon, seeing Jill for her birthday? CAE house party tonight (this will actually not be fun at all but whatever.)

I'm really glad I've become the person I've become in the past month. I'm finally an outstanding student, FINALLY. I've become an incredibly confident person lately, I'm not afraid to talk to the people I want to talk to and I'm not destroyed when the things I try fail. I'm not worried about conversation anymore and I feel like I listen better. I love school, I love life, I love autumn; I want love, but I'm sure that will come in time. I'm content, finally. Finally.

Met up with Jackee in Washington Square Park, we played Jawbreaker songs together, me on guitar, she on vocals. This made me realize how I'm finally comfortable being naked. Naked as in, singing and playing guitar. I used to never, ever let anyone hear me do either. I want a guy who I can play Jawbreaker songs to, and he'll know every word and then kiss me when I'm done playing because I was playing "Shirt," which is my song of choice by theirs to describe my feeling towards people I have feelings for. I want to wake up to someone and see their peaceful, resting face inches from mine, that I can plant small kisses on without waking them up. I wanna make a mess in a kitchen with someone and pig out on the outcome while watching horrible movies on a day where the streets are too slushy to bike down. Someone who finds my little nerdy bits endearing, recognizes my potential and what they have in me. Someone who can prove me wrong about humankind.

I don't really know what else I can do. I'm an intelligent, funny, genuine, interesting and cute girl. I even make the first move, take the pressure off. I'm not even shallow. My person has been a long, ongoing project that I'm constantly trying to better. And then I remember that the world really just wants a girl who sits pretty, gets drunk so she complies, eats meat so she isn't inconvenient or too opinionated, etc.

I don't know, it's autumn and I'm lonely.

God, do I sound pathetic or what.

Fucking a.

Well, that was fast.

Hey nice guys, there are some girls out there who like you -- me, so get at me.

Ughhhhh everyone on the planet is so freaking flakey. What's up with that?

I did fine on my palpation midterm, I don't know my exact grade but I know I passed. My current average in Anatomy and Physiology is a 96, though I haven't taken the midterm yet and that will affect my average greatly, but you know.

I'm learning some favorite songs on guitar, I want to play them to Jackee's voice. I'm seeing her tomorrow, really exciting. I'm supposed to see Patrick tomorrow too if he ever calls me. Ugh. I hate life, I shouldn't be thinking about this so much.

Hannah is coming to New York in a matter of days! This is terribly exciting. I can't wait.

I taught a class of pre teens today and it went well. I gave a massage that I felt really confident in yesterday, and the girl who received it told me I was "definitely in the right field." Yussss. Now I just need a table!


"Why, why oh why oh why, why is it always like this?"

I should really post some recent pictures one of these days if I ever take them.

"You don't speak Spanish?"
-"I don't."
"Why not? Everyone speaks Spanish!"
-"I don't know, I didn't grow up here."
"Still, no Spanish at all?"
-"Well, I mean, I know things like, 'hola,' 'como estas,' things like that."
"That's it?"
-"Well, I know one other word."
"What's that?"
"'Lago,'" she paused. "It means 'lake.'"

I am writing this entry from cloud 9,000.

Yesterday I went into guitar center and bought this:


I've been going on a huuuge guitar playing kick (and it's really interfering with my studying, haha,) and when I went in and played this guitar, I knew it had to be mine. Some people video taped me and crowded around me telling me I was really good, it was nice to hear, I haven't felt confident playing guitar in a while. I feel like this guitar aids me in my playing. I bought it and played it out on the stoop outside of my job for a little while. I love, love, love it.

After work I met up with Patrick who found me playing on the stoop, so I played for him a little bit and we walked around until we decided to go back to my place. As soon as Adam walks out the two of them look at eachother and say "... I know you," turns out Patrick worked at Insomnia Cookies too (good lord, this means he probably knows Jeremy too, haha.) He met a few people in the house, then we hung out in my room til about 2am. I really like him, and I feel like the feeling is mutual. He wants to see me today on his lunch break, I'm so glad I met someone who isn't afraid to see someone they like whenever they have the opportunity, people are so concerned with coming off unavailable and playing games, but he doesn't do that and I really appreciate it. Everyday this week whenever someone asks me how I am, I can only say, "I'm excellent," and it's nothing short of true.


... Except I have 3 tests this week, including a mid term! D:

I got a letter from Sophia today telling me she hopes the Jeremy thing works out for me all right, and all I could think was, "oh yeah, that." Isn't it funny, I sleep in your bed, watch movies on your tv, place my books on your desk, select my CDs from your CD shelf, dance on your rug, stare at the walls you painted in a room you selected, and yet I barely ever think about you? I know the fact that I'm writing about this in here isn't too convincing of that, but I realized how little this whole thing is effecting me and it kind of has me worried. I mean, I'm GLAD I'm not thinking about it and I'm able to move on, but am I becoming apathetic? 2 years should hurt more than this, but I don't even have the wind knocked out of me.

Perhaps it's just because I know we've run our course. That was our closure. That's fine.

I've been seeing the most beautiful boy these eyes have seen. He's older than me (thank god,) athletic, really easy going and affectionate. He eats meat and drinks, which is weird for me, but I am willing to overlook it. I have a really good feeling about this. His name is Patrick and he was born in May. Every Patrick I've ever met I get along famously with, and I knew he was born in May before he told me, it was obvious. His birthday is 3 days before mine. I hope I'm not wrong about this. We have a date on Sunday and I'm gonna do something really sappy and cheesy, haha.

Hookay, I'm going to yoga class today and then work. Life is beautiful these days. I finally feel free.

It's official, I'm single. Well, I never did hear from Jeremy ever again, and I'm not waiting around. I sent him a message that said that if I didn't hear from him by the end of the day, even if it's just to say that he will eventually talk to me he just needs more time, then I'm moving on. This saw no avail, so I said farewell. It was difficult that I had to do it through text messaging, but it's the most personal method I could use considering he would not answer my calls. I had a good cry, talked to Chicka who made me feel better, and now I'm barely thinking about it; which feels good, I knew I was ready to move on months ago, and I'm not even that upset that there was no closure, I'm just moving on. I did send him another message that said that if he was ever feeling regretful about how we fell apart, I would not reconcile with him, but I would listen to him.

I'm crossing my fingers for what I've got coming up. This isn't about "rebound," everyone says I should just be single for a while otherwise I won't "know who I am," but honestly, I'm not looking to be single, and at the stage of my life that I'm at -- I feel I know who I am; and part of that is someone who feels content with somebody to love, and vice versa, but I feel I have so much love in me and I can't watch it go to waste just because I'm not looking for a person who deserves it. I'm still kicking school's ass, I'm going to buy a new guitar soon. I've become a human anatomy encyclopedia. If y'all have questions about your skeleton, I'm your girl. Sophia is getting relocated in about 2 weeks or so, everytime I see her I'm in the best mood. I hung out with Matt this past weekend which was totally what I needed and we made horrible guacamole, hahaha.

All in all, this week is really making up for last week. I ordered a new custom wheel, should be here soon.